129 words in Masks — 
Have you ever felt like you hide parts of yourself from certain people? Kind of like wearing different masks for different people.
I know I certainly do.
I have a few masks. One, I’m a total beer drinking sports junkie. Another, the complete lady. I think what bothers me is that it comes so easily. It’s almost second nature to me. I definitely developed this skill in high school after my brother passed. You would never know I was suffering from depression, or that I wished I could just hide from the world. I was the happy, bubbly girl I always was, still the captain of the team, and could always make people laugh.
I’m sure most people do it, but how may people are actually aware of it?
THANKS: No Commenters!?
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Mel @ 
2:30 amI don’t know if I can do this anymore. I feel like I am living a lie. This isn’t me at all. How can I be so happy when really I just don’t know anymore. I am so torn between two lives. Do I chose the life I love or the one that will further me later on in life?
I don’t belong here, it’s different. It’s been six years and I still don’t fit in. I’m just not like everybody else. I see things differently, I’m a dreamer but a realist. Realistic Dreamer? Sure that sounds good enough. I’m a Realistic Dreamer who wants to explore and stay close to the people I love.
Oh how I love to contradict myself.
I have a burning passion for something that will get me nowhere in life. How awesome is that? Should I pursue it for the time being and just enjoy being young, or should I do the responsible thing and go back to school. Fuck. I finally hit the crossroads. Can I even handle this? Am I ready to move on? How can I dedicate myself to something I am unsure about? What if I fail? Then what? How do I pick up the pieces and move on?
This is stupid. I should know better. I should know what I want to do by now.
Right now I need to find my journal and write.
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I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not actually uninspired but I just can’t create what I want. My ideas are just too big for Paint Shop Pro. I’ve outgrown it. I’ve been using the same program for six years now, and just getting the upgrades. It’s about time I move on and start exploring new programs. Luckily for me, I have the tools right in front of me.
Am I surprised? Yes I am actually. I never thought this day would come. I always thought I was just some experimental average designer who would never really advance far. This was always just a hobby for me. I guess you could say I have hit the crossroads, either I continue creating with Paint Shop Pro and never seek my full potential or I start using more professional programs and grow. I know I can do better. I can feel it. I have so many ideas but just not the tools to create.
In other news, I burnt the hell out of my arm today while preparing dinner. I splashed boiling sauce all up my forearm. I thought it was just a minor burn until an hour ago when I noticed blisters forming. Shit. Why does this always happen to me? I must have horrible luck. Oh well, I could think of far worse things, even though this hurts like hell.
I think it’s time I head off to bed. Today was a hell of a day and tomorrow will be as well. Bye!
THANKS: Mona
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It’s always refreshing to get away for a few days. See some new scenery and just reflect.
I just got back from Toronto where I spent a couple nights with a close friend of mine. I really needed to get away and just let go. I feel like all I ever do is work. It’s slowly driving me crazy, but at the same time I love it.
I learned a lot about myself while I was away. It’s weird how just being around certain people can bring out new emotions and feelings you never knew you had. I felt nervous for the first time. I mean, situations have made me nervous but never people. It’s one of those ‘what the hell is going on with me?!’ moments. I don’t really know what brought it on. I have never experienced something like that before.
Fuck I can’t think right now. My brain is going a hundred miles a minute.
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It’s been almost a year since I’ve touched this site. What a year it’s been though. A lot of personal growth. Where do I even being?
After spending almost a year in Banff, after everything I’d gone through, coming home was the hardest part of the entire experience. I had worked so hard for everything I had out there, and to just walk away from it all tore me apart. It was time for me to go home though, the slightest reminder of my family brought me to tears. I was suffering from a severe case of homesickness and the only logical cure was to go back.
After coming home, I was immediately reminded as to why I left in the first place. My mother. Let’s just say we are two completely different people. We would go weeks without speaking to each other, and when we did, we fought. Eventually we found a balance, we don’t talk much, but it works. Now that I think about it, I don’t really talk to anybody besides my step-dad, and when we do it’s about designing…. I just don’t see things the same way my family does. I’m not mad at them, we just don’t have anything to talk about.
Now that I’ve been home for a few months I’m finally back into the swing of things. Not only am I working back at the movie theatre, I also picked up a second job at a party store. My life now revolves around work. When I’m not at work I’m with friends from work. It’s a crazy life but It works.
Anyways, I’m going to head off to bed. I’ll try and figure out the rest of the bugs tomorrow. Hopefully I haven’t forgotten much about coding.
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Ever since I moved away from home i’ve felt so many new emotions. I started off feeling lost and alone. I came out here alone, just me, few of my personal belongings and a calling card for my weekly calls home.
After I met a couple of people and started going out at night, I guess it started to sink in that I wouldn’t be seeing my family for a while. I started losing my self-confidence, and second guessing myself more then I ever have.
After I started losing my self confidence, I became more focused on the fact that I moved away from home at a young age. I started thinking ‘”Yes, I am an ‘adult’ but maybe I wasn’t ready for this? Maybe I should have just dealt with the fact that my homelife sucked and I was depressed. Maybe I should have just popped a few pills and opened up to people more often?”
Now I feel homesick. I also feel trapped. I feel like if I go home now I will be a failure. The girl who couldn’t cut it in Banff. The girl who was to immature and weak. I am sick of being that girl. I am sick of living in the shadow of my siblings. For once I want to do something that nobody else had done. I want to stand out for the first time in my life. I want to grow up a little and come out of my shell.
I wonder if my family ever thinks of me. Have I been forgotten? I know at home I always felt like I was. Will Dan think of me next time he goes to Short Stop to buy Twinkies and Coke? Will he remember the times when we would walk to the furthest convience store just so we didn’t have to hear our parents fighting? What about Remy? Will he remember the times we’d fight because his music was to loud, or when i’d bargin chores with him, just so that I wouldn’t tell mom that he skipped school? Will my Mom remember me the next time she goes on her walk? We’d walk for hours, talking about everything. We’d usually end up walking around the neighbourhood numerous times, guessing how much houses were, laughing about the days troubles.
I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid that I never did enough to keep my relationships with my friends and family.
This is so random. It feels good to vent sometimes.
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HERE PAUL! HERE IT IS FOR YOU!
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Do you say that? Do you honestly mean it? Would you really give a kidney to your friend? Would you really do anything for your friends?
I would. I have yet to find a friend that would do the same though. Thats what I realized this summer. I realized that no matter how much you love and respect your friends, if they dont have it in them, your probably not going to get the same love and respect in return.
For the past month i’ve felt like im the only one who actually treats their friends as a number one priority. I’d drop everything if they needed me. I would go out of my way to spend time with the, but I feel as though they wouldnt do the same for me. Its taken me over two years to realize this.
Is it time for new friends?
THANKS: Bee, Brandy, Talena, Tiffany, ~_~
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Yay! Finally a new layout! The billy Talent one was getting old. Credit for the layout goes to the lovely Talena She made this for me a while ago but I finally decided to use it. I hope I did it some justice Tal!
Lately i’ve been addicted to Justin Timberlakes song SexyBack, mind you.. who isnt?! Haha I blame Brandy!
Well not much has been going on in Melanie’s life. Just been going out with Ross everyday. Man, I love that boy. Everyday is a new adventure with him. Today alone we, went biking, bought a couple pizza’s, tried to find the cricket in the basement and OH YEAH, he sprayed pop all over me, which was a total accident. Good times I tell ya.
Well its 3am and im really tired. Hope you like the new layout. (Sorry for the short post)
THANKS: Bee, Brandy, Laura
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Hey! Im back from my vacation! Well, i’ve been back for a few days now but i’ve been busy with friends and family.
My trip to Alberta and British Columbia was for the most part.. AMAZING! I went for a family reunion and DAMN did I meet a lot of people! 96 of my relatives showed up at this dinky hall in the middle of nowhere! The reunion, how can I say this.. Filled my soul. I guess living on the other side of the country away from my family has been really hard, well hared then I imagined.
The rest f the trip was pretty good. I went up to Edmonton for a couple days to visit with my aunt, then down to Calgary.. Calgary was the worst part of my trip. Lets just say, I was supposed to visit a few old friends and they either ditched me or lied to me… ANYWAYS! After that, my mom and I took an 11 hour bus ride to Kelowna B.C. to visit my other aunt. Her house is AMAZINGGG! She just moved there about a year ago. She lived RIGHT on a lake. I love love love B.C and I plan on moving there! Then after our 3 day visit with My aunt and Cousin we flew home. Re-packing suitcases was annoying.. STUPID TERRORISTS! Ugh, I had to sneek my chapsrick onto the plane because I had a crackin my lip and couldnt survive the whole day without it.
So, since i’ve been home i’ve been out with friends and pretty much not home at all. I’ve slept in my bed twice since i’ve been home and i’ve been home for 5 days. OH YEAH! that reminds me.. Last night I had a dream about my dad. Yes, my DAD. Its kind of a big thing since I havent seen him in 10 years. I dont remember what we were doing in the dream but I remember his funny french accent and his face. His face reminds me of Wolverine of X-Men. Maybe I had this dream about my dad because i’ve been around so much family lately…?
Tomorrow i’ll hopefully be going to the beach with Ross. 
I have to pack so I better stop writing..I’ll blog about my beach day as soon as I get home tomorrow night! I’ll also HOPEFULLY put up a new layout!
OH OH! One more thing.. If your going to write nasty comments, stop being a fucking chicken and leave some sort of contact information. Leaving only your name (which is probably fake anyways) makes you a coward. If you dont want to leave your e-mail or site URL, then dont leave me a comment. PERIOD
THANKS: Bee, Brandy
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